I Caught Myself
by Ironic-Sarcasm
Summary: Inspired by Paramore. I should have never thought of you. But, I knew… I know in my heart it's not you. RokuSor SorKai


**A/N:** So, I was reading a songfic, which I don't normally do (hate them, actually), but I read it because it was one of my favorite songs by Paramore, "Decode." The fic was written by Abunai-san if you're interested. So, I listened to the song as I read and as I was finishing it, "I Caught Myself" started playing and this big grin crossed my face.

I had an idea. So, normally ALL of the romance on here is "yeah, I love you" (I'm extremely guilty of that) and I love a good tragedy. So, this will be my first T rated oneshot in a very LONG time.

So, enjoy.

BTW: This isn't really a sogfic, but there are lyrics in there. I mean, you can listen to Paramore's "I Caught Myself" but you might need to put it on repeat a couple of times.

ABTW: I don't own Roxas, Sora, or Kairi.

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**I Caught Myself**

"_He caught me!"_

After a very bad day, Sora curled into his best friend's arms and complained, wondering why the blond boy hadn't been there for him. He noticed how he was avoiding him and the thought made him want to cry. Roxas comforted him with awkward arms and a tense body.

"Do you not like me anymore, Roxas?" Sora asked as he felt the body language.

"No, I could never hate you!"

And they argued until Roxas had Sora pinned to the ground, trying to tell him he didn't detest him, but rather—he couldn't say. _Down to you, _and lips were pressed to his and his blue eyes were wide and the other was confessing his love to the boy beneath him with tears swimming in those eyes. "_You're pushing and pulling me down to you. _I love you!"

"_But I don't know what I—"_

They had been best friends from the young age of six, after Roxas had saved his life. Youthful, six year old Roxas had pulled little six year old Sora out of the street after he ran out to grab his ball, unaware of the oncoming SUV. Roxas was Sora's very first friend, helping him abandon imaginary friends and gaining new, real friends.

What could he say? Roxas had always been there for him, but he never, ever thought of the boy like that. Yes, they were affectionate with each other. Yes, they were asked more then once if they were going out. Sora always denied it and Roxas would never respond. And now, Sora understood.

_Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself_ from breaking his heart like he had always done without realizing.

He could try.

_From saying something that I should have never thought_… he never thought they would end up like this.

Days… weeks… months… _Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself_ _from_ _saying something that_ wouldhurt Roxas. They kissed, they held hands, and never did Sora feel right. It was weird… he didn't like it.

"I know _I should have of you_." He said with a tender smile.

And Roxas wanted more and Sora _never thought_ they would do this in a million years._ You're pushing and pulling me down to you_ as the kisses deepened and hands roamed and more things happened that shouldn't have between best friends.

"_You got it… you got it!"_ as Sora made a shaking attempt to bring Roxas to a peak.

And there were many times when Sora wanted to break it off, but there was _some kind of magic_ that stopped him, _leaving me breathless_ as he looked into those dark blue eyes of his lover. Roxas was _hypnotic, hypnotic._

He was miserable. He sat in bed, holding his pillow to his face as he cried. Sora didn't want this… he—

"_I hate this! I hate this!"_ he screamed.

Kairi, one of his other friends, had come to comfort him as he spilled the truth to her. He held her and it felt right.

_You're not the one I believe in,_ Roxas. _With God as my witness_….

Slowly, it moved to the next level and Sora laid beneath Roxas as he kissed, nipped, sucked and **loved** him.

It wasn't as Sora expected. It was painful and he cried with his groans and moans mistaken as those of pleasure. As he opened his mouth to scream **"Stop!"** Roxas would whisper in that sultry voice, "I love you, Sora. More than anything."

_And now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself,_ from pulling Roxas out of the moment.

Kairi listened. Kairi comforted. And he had to stop himself _from saying something that I should have never thought._

Closer and closer, their lips almost touching now – _when I caught myself, I had to stop myself, from saying something that I should have never thought of you._ He was with Roxas. Kairi was his closest friend and all of his thoughts were _of you_.

The both of them _were pushing and pulling me down to you. But I don't know what I want_!

"_No!"_ he cried to Kairi, pulling himself away. _"I don't know what I want!"_

It was as Roxas entered, he stood frozen as tears trickled down that baby face.

"I love you."

"I _don't know what I want. But I know it's not you._" Sora said quietly.

"Sora, I—"

"You _keep pushing and pulling me down to you. _I love you, Roxas _but I know in my heart it's not you."_

_Now when I caught myself,_ Sora gasped. He couldn't _stop myself from saying_ that. And now, they were both crying.

"Since… when?"

"Since the beginning. And now I can't _stop myself stop myself from saying something that... I should have never thought of you!_ But, _I knew… I know in my heart it's not you. I knew, but now I know what I want… I want…_"

Would he say it? No, not to his best friend. _I want_ Kairi.

_Oh no, I should have never thought…_ of Roxas.

_And now __I caught myself._

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**A/N:** Eh, I expected this to be a bit longer. Oh well. I hope you like it, even though it goes everywhere and one might just get confused. Gr…


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